Damn cancer! I want to control my life . . .

April 2, 2009

. . . The other day while driving through the desert, up and over a mountain range and into Owen’s Valley, I was overtaken by nature’s beauty and magnificence.  My thoughts began to slide thinking, will I see this again?  Will Dale and I be able to fulfill our dreams of traveling through the U.S.?  And a fierce battle began.

I wanted to slam my fist into a wall; I wanted to damn this whole cancer thing.  I wanted to swear at this cloud that will forever be hanging over me.  I wanted to hate having to live my life by every checkup to see “how I am doing.”  And then I thought I can’t live my life my way anymore.

My insides knotted up, I felt I was suffocating; I needed to breath and move.

I was angry at everything, even Dale.  He noticed.  I tried to hide in the cab of the truck, and he found me.  I cried my sorrows and frustrations away.  He held me and he prayed for me.

The next day, we decided rather than one night at the RV Park we would stay two; I needed to rest and recoup from my crazy outburst.  I was out of control and needed to collect myself.  I opened my Bible to continue my Bible Study Fellowship lesson.

. . . I am under the illusion I am “normal” and in this illusion, I wrestle my life away from the Almighty.  I justify myself and reduce God to my image.  But the illusion slips away and reality returns.  I realize I am not who I was and I cannot live as I have known for 49 1/2 years.  I am not in control.

For 35 years I have been a devoted Christian.  I attended church and bible studies, worked in service, fellowshipped with others and followed the moral golden rule.  I never thought of my mortality nor my need to daily sacrificially submit myself  to my Creator. I lived my life the best I knew how.  I lived my life as if the next day would be like the last.

That is not true, and it should never be true.

I WANT TO CONTROL MY LIFE and I want to determine the number of my days!  This cannot be, whether you have cancer or not.  And there is absolutely nothing I can do.

So I respond to this realization that my self-worship is detrimental to me and only brings me FRUSTRATION.  I cannot number my days.  I must “live the day.”  Live the day, live the day, how hard that is when I have plans far out on the calendar.  I cannot do that, I must live the day.

So, as Job, I prayed and confessed my self-worship to God in saying, “Therefore I despise myself and REPENT in dust and ashes.”  Now I must daily sacrificially submit myself to the Almighty.  He is God and he is in control, over every day, over all, and He knows the number of my days.

God, help me to not forget this truth.  Let it saturate every cell of my body, in my mind and in my heart.  This is the TRUTH, and I need to live by it.

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