Yes, glorious freedom is coming . . .

Last night I learned a lovely, kind and considerate woman from my Friday morning Bible study was diagnosed with lung cancer and mesothelioma.  She is one of the first people who strongly encouraged me in my proposal to facilitate a local Christian cancer support group, the first in our valley.  She was also enthusiastic about my blog and sent my information to her daughter who was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I am so sorry that now she walks this often bumpy road called “cancer”.

When you hear the final pathology report and the doctor states, “You have cancer”, in one millisecond fear grips your mind, you feel like you are suddenly adrift on a huge sea and without a raft or life vest, you struggle and gasp and sputter trying to breath and not go under.  Finally, your cloudy thoughts begin to become somewhat coherent as you hear the doctor outline the next steps for the rest of your life.

John Piper states in the introductory chapter of his book, Don’t Waste Your Cancer,  “When God subjected the world to futility, he did it ‘in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God’ (Romans 8:21). So the groaning of our cancer has a double meaning. It means that sin is horrible, and it means that glorious freedom is coming. We will waste our cancer if we don’t hear in our own groanings the labor pains of the new creation.”

Groanings is an interesting description of our suffering.  How many of us groaned inwardly, and maybe for some of us, groaned outwardly through harsh tears, when we heard our diagnose?  My first response was confusion and then, yes, fear; never did I think that my diagnose was the start of labor pains of a new creation being birthed in me.

As the doctor states (often as a matter-of-fact) what our next step is in our all out war against our newly diagnosed disease, we catch our breath, grab a hold of our life vest and with what strength we have left, pull ourselves into the raft that the emotions, or “groanings” begin to flood our minds.  For me the following 24 hours were crucial in my emotional decision making.  Was I going to be angry at God and with my fist in the air shouting, “Why me God?  If You really loved me You wouldn’t do this to me!” or “It’s the devil!” or “I submit to Your perfect plan for my life.”  And our decision colors our approach to our sorting out and accepting this life changing diagnose.

I accepted my cancer as purposeful and that there was a perfect plan surrounding my suffering and there is no getting around it, I feel like I did suffer especially in my post-treatment recovery at home.  I experienced a deep groaning and felt lost and confused as I sorted out the last seven and a half months, adjusted to my having cancer and accepted the fact I had cancer and foundationally, some how and in some way good would come from my experience.  So Mr. Piper was correct, my groaning was likened to labor pains and now, in looking back, I see the new creation being wrought in me.

“So the groaning of our cancer has a double meaning. It means that sin is horrible, and it means that glorious freedom is coming.”  Yes, indeed, sin is horrible.  Period.  The falleness of the world wracked my body and it was horrible.  But a promise follows, “and it means that glorious freedom is coming.”  What is that glorious freedom?

I believe any traumatic event can cause one to reflect on their life.  My suffering was a pause and prompted a journey of recollection of my earlier days before cancer.  Through the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit I saw a very judgmental woman.  I was driven but my ambitious nature was a guise for a deep need to control my surroundings.  What I realized I was ashamed of and I was deeply convicted.

Before my cancer I was a woman with a tongue that freely spoke my thoughts and I know I made bold statements to people that I “loved” and these statements hurt them deeply.  In this season of post-treatment suffering and reflection, I repented for my judgments and criticisms.  I was sorrowful that perhaps by my harsh words fellow believers stumbled in their faith and maybe left the church because of Pharisees like me.

My groanings spurred on my confession of sin and this confession began my glorious freedom of a changed person.  This freedom is ever expanding.  I softened, I began to listen, I was more empathetic and compassionate and patient.  I am softening, I am listening and I am learning to be more empathetic and compassionate and patient.  Where once a cloudy gray confused my heart, an ever increasing soft light shines.

How did you receive the news you had cancer?  Did you groan inwardly?  Did you sense the crush of horrible sin?  Has your groaning turned and are you beginning to experience the glorious freedom that is coming?

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”  (Rms. 8:28)  My cancer was for my good and it is my hope that my cancer helps me today in better reflecting the goodness and glory of Christ.

Sovereign, lordship and trust – part III

My absolute trust in God and believing in a sovereign purpose for my cancer was my confidence and hope while in treatment.   My attitude remained positive and upbeat to the amazement of the medical team and nursing staff.  I was in the race of my life and the goal was to get across that finish line and go home.  From  being a runner and having participated in races, I knew the determination it took to get across that line and the relief and elation when the race was over.

I believed in Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,  who have been called according to his purpose.”  I also knew Psalm139, that God knew all of my days before they even happened as well as Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you . . .”  These scripture verses were my confidence and hope that my cancer was not accidental nor was it in vain.  Because of these truths, I was never angry with God nor did I question Him with this disease.

When I got home I felt like someone picked me up and turned me upside down and shook everything out of me; my normal, my control, who I was and my life purpose.  I clung to the truth that God knew of this new and different kind of suffering but my explicit trust became fuzzy as I turned inward and worrisome.

Before cancer I thought I trusted God.  I lived a descent and godly life hoping that I reflected Christ in all that I did.  I kept busy with my family, I worked, I kept physically fit and I served our church.  I lived a very predictable and stable life, everything was as it should be.  But when I look back now, my foundation was a thin layer of glass with heavy bricks built on top called “me”.  If I did this, then this should happen resulting in a sense of security in what I did – what I did.

So cancer dislodged my bricks and my predictable, stable life and all that it should be was crushed becoming dust.  I believed if I lived just so all would fall into place just as I thought it should; we would retire, we would go to church, our children would marry and we would become proud grandparents.

In recovery I was gravely made aware that living  just so didn’t guarantee a long life, that nothing guaranteed a long life including being nutritiously sound and physically fit.  My sense of security and feeling safe in my controlled world was wrestled from my grasp and the lordship I held over my life was challenged.  When I got home from treatment I expected my life to return to normal but my old normal was dust.  With a shattered foundation and crushed bricks and no understanding of what “normal” was my vulnerability was the first step in rediscovering who God was and His lordship over my life.

The process of understanding God and developing  a deeper trust in Him took time.  The assurance of my pursuit was once again found on the truth that all things work for the good, there was a goodness to be realized.  In my weakness my recovery and discovery was nudged along by the steadfast love and acceptance of my family, the empathy expressed at my cancer support group, a friend who let me talk, an insightful counselor who helped me adjust to and accept my cancer, a Bible study that affirmed God’s sovereignty and the layers of revelation read in God’s word, the Bible.

Thankfully and gratefully this defining journey came to a peaceful conclusion.  I learned I cannot control the events of my life, my life rests soundly in God’s overarching sovereignty, He is lord of my life and He is lord over every day of my life.   He knows my last breath and it will not come too soon nor will it come too late, it will come the day He designed.  God knows my body and I must entrust it to Him.  The foundation in which I now rest is strong and sure, deep and wide.  My trust is renewed and has a new depth of understanding.

My life has a calling and it is purposed by God.  The good that He is bringing about in my life after cancer is not only all things work for the good but also this good results in my being conformed to the likeness of His Son, Romans 8:29.  May God use my life and may His name be glorified.