Trust and Peace in the midst of uncertainty ~ is it okay to cry?

As a Christian it is okay to have feelings!  It is okay to feel!  You don’t have to appear strong when you feel that the floor is falling out from under you.  You can cry, you can be afraid.  You can slam your fist on the desk, you can scream.  After all, didn’t Jesus have feelings?

We were driving north on S 300 W or was it S West Temple in downtown Salt Lake City?  I think it was in September because I just went through all my testing prior to my stem cell transplant.  We were hoping that my test results would be the approval to move forward into the most anxious phase of my treatment.

My cell phone rang.  Dr. Greg Pollack was calling to report the findings to one of the tests.  The PET/CT scan showed I had possible “residual” cancer in my psoas lymph nodes.  There was some doubt as to whether or not it was residual cancer as the scan detected dimly “lit up” lymph nodes.  But all the same, Dr. Greg said he and the team agreed that further treatment was necessary before I went for my autologous stem cell transplant.

I felt this sinking feeling and was devastated as Dr. Greg went on explaining the options that the team discussed and were available to me.  It was all confusing information.  But I took the news; I held on to it, I sifted through it and went on with treatment.  What else could I do?

Three years, nine months later, the floor fell through.  I finally allowed myself to feel the fear I felt that day when I was told, “Unfortunately, you are not 100% responsive to chemotherapy and the scan shows residual cancer.”  Three years, nine months later I remember feeling as if I was backed into a corner by a monster that wanted to kill me.  I felt defeated.  I was afraid but I buried my emotions, namely fear.

As Christians, when we are faced with a crisis how should we respond?  Is there a correct way?  Am I to respond in the “strength of the Lord” and stoically move on?  It sure helps all those around me. If I don’t show my fear then they won’t be fearful, they are comforted by my strength.

God was good in helping me be strong.  I trusted in Him and in that, I trusted my medical team’s decisions in proceeding with further treatment.  I did not let fear dominate, I did not panic and moved forward.  This was a set back, there was nothing I could do but follow directions.

But I wonder if I allowed myself to feel emotions all through my cancer, would my psychological recovery have been easier?  Different?  Faster?  I did trust God and God did grant me that “peace that surpasses our understanding” all through my illness.  In being blessed with those gifts I was able to cope in the time of crisis.  But now I do believe that we can have trust and peace and the freedom to express our emotions as emotions do cleanse our soul and maybe I would have been healthier by that continual washing.

Trust and Peace

“Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God; trust also in me.”  (Jn. 14:1)

Jesus was telling his disciples He was going away.  The disciples loved Him and this news was confusing and maybe for some distressing.  Jesus wanted to assure them that it is better that He goes away so that they can do even greater things than He did while He was on earth, “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.” (v. 13)  Glory to the Father.

“But the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send  in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”  Glory to the Father . . . the Comforter will remind me just as He did with the disciples to trust in Him who went away.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  (v. 27)  Glory to the Father . . . the Comforter will remind me  . . . trust and peace.

This peace is other worldly.  John Piper refers to this peace as “the new world order.”  Is this the peace of the new heaven and the new earth?  Piper says no, that is not what Jesus is focusing in on.  “‘Let not your heart be troubled.  Neither let it be afraid.’  He has in view your heart, and the peace of your heart, and the fearlessness of your heart, and the untroubled waters of your heart.  He wants his people now,  to be free from anxiety.”

Do not let your hearts be troubled . .  trust . . Glory to the Father . . the Comforter will remind me . . peace . . Do not let you hearts be troubled.

“And he knows that the only kind of heart-peace the world can give is peace of mind based on good circumstances.  If the world can take away our troubles – through health insurance, big savings accounts, the best oncologist in the nation,  top research hospital, drugs and aggressive treatment – then the world can give some peace of mind.’  (italicized are my words)

“But Jesus says, ‘Not as the world gives do I give to you.’  Which means that his peace is not based on good circumstances.  It is given, and it holds sway, in spite of bad circumstances.  Here is how Jesus says it in John 16:33, ‘I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart in that tribulation; I have overcome  the world.'”

His peace, not ours, is foundationally sure, it is immovable and irrevocable.  It is there, it is true and it is everlasting.  And nothing – nobody – will be able to take it from you.  The waters of fear and anxiety may wash over you but the foundation of peace will not give way under your feet.

Emotions

As we trust we are assured of peace but this doesn’t mean we are emotionless in the midst of trials and testings.  Feeling emotion doesn’t mean we show any less glory to the Father nor does it mean that the Comforter hasn’t come to dwell in us, we are no less a Christian feeling and exposing our emotion.

Jesus had feelings and He wasn’t afraid to show them to his friends and those around him

• love – Mt 19:13-15, Jn 11:3, 36, 38
• wept – Jn 11:35, Lk 19:41
• anger – Mk 11:15
• sorrowful and troubled – Mt 26:38
• sense of abandonment – Mk 15:34

So it is okay to feel.  We should all feel and in our feeling and expressing that feeling the Father is all the more glorified because we are turning ourselves over to the Comforter and allowing Him to do the work He was sent here to do.  The Comforter brings to our soul the promised peace that does indeed transcend our human understanding and this, my friend, is to the glory of the Father!

Rediscovering your song . . . by Elaine Olsen

As promised, I am pleased to introduce an author and fellow blogger I admire.  Elaine is a breast cancer survivor.  She was an author before cancer, she was an author through cancer and today her writings are more passionate and poignant because of cancer; I am drawn into her world of words.  Enjoy this encouraging and heartfelt “song” and if you are longing to read more well written, thoughtful pieces, please visit her blog, “Peace for the Journey“.

Rediscovering Your Song…

Being a survivor isn’t about defeating the cancer. Being a survivor is about defeating the silence.

That’s what I told a group of cancer survivors last Sunday night at a Relay for Life banquet. It’s what I’ve come to believe. To survive cancer is to survive the silence—the deafening quiet that creeps in alongside suffering in hopes of suffocating the song that once sang its melody so gracefully, so faithfully, so willingly, so naturally.

There is a great price that often accompanies a great suffering. That price? A great silence. A time when the previous witness and words of a great faith are stifled by the traumatic strain of simply staying alive. Singing isn’t a priority when suffering steps to the front of the line. The song often gets buried, cast aside and forgotten, to simmer beneath the weightiness of pain and of what once was.

But here is the truth of the eternal song. Once the music has made its way into a heart, no amount of throwing and crying and denying its pulse can keep it buried forever. We can go to the grave refusing it a voice, but in the end, the music remains. It will find its chorus, even without our participation, because the King’s music is meant to be sung (“peace for the journey: in the pleasure of his company,” 2010, pg. 7).

Some songs don’t die. Some songs are just that strong, certain, truthful, and demanding. Some songs, God’s song, your song and my song, are still singing. Maybe you haven’t heard it in a long time; maybe, like me, it’s been buried beneath a season of grief and suffering. I want to encourage you today to not give up on the reality of the music that’s hiding deep within your heart. The melody remains, and whether or not you’ve been victimized by cancer or by another soul-eating something, you can know that your survivorship isn’t solely dependent on a pill or a program or the best resources available to you by doctors. The best of all of these remedies will only carry you so far in the process of healing. In fact, none of these may help you as it pertains to defeating your cancer.

But if you can defeat the silence that surrounds your cancer? If you can dig deeply to retrieve the melody that once sang so beautifully through your lips? Well, then you’ll have survived your disease in a way that yields eternal value. For our pain to matter, our pain needs a voice that is surrendered to the process of renewal. It’s a slow process that walks its own timetable. Silence doesn’t turn into song over night. But over night, a step in the right direction will yield a few notes… one or two or ten at first. One verse building on another until the music makes a melody that takes what once was and sings it more gracefully, more faithfully, more willingly, and more naturally. Almost as if that’s what God had in mind all along—a better song, refined and renewed through suffering.

To get there? Well, I don’t have the perfect strategy for curing your silence, but I have a few thoughts about how you might begin the process of rediscovering your song.

Remember. Take time to review the melody of your yesterdays—the days before your suffering began. Remember your voice, your faith, your hope. Reflect on the beauty that once was. Write it down, retrieve those memories, and linger upon them long enough until the refrain finds its way to your lips. And then, with that old song fresh in your memory…

Resist thinking that your old song was your best song. Refuse the enemy’s lie that the best has already been. Your best song is your next song—the one tempered and refined by the trials of life. God can and does write new notes into your musical score, not in an attempt to cover up the old ones, but rather to enhance them. To energize them. To fully empower them with the truth of his Spirit so that when you sing, you sing with understanding and with the certainty that all has not been lost in the suffering. God has been gained in the midst of great peril, and you have lived another day to sing the witness of his grace. And then, once you’ve made it past your remembering and your resisting, by God’s grace and with his permission,…

Rehearse. Start practicing your new song. A few notes today; a few more tomorrow, until you get the melody down, until it starts sounding familiar. Sing to yourself. Sing to your kids. Sing to your spouse. Sing to your friends. Sing to the mirror. Sing to God. Don’t worry about your voice. You’ll probably warble at first, crack your voice a time or two and turn a few heads in the process. Who cares? Songs of faith aren’t written to shame you. Songs of faith are written to reframe you. It doesn’t matter your performance with the melody. What matters is your willingness to try—to be so bold as to believe that you were meant to sing and that nobody, not one single person, can sing your new song as beautifully as you can. And finally, if you’ve made it this far with your remembering, resisting, and rehearsing, then…

Rejoice. Thank God for the gift of the song. Thank God for the gift of the song. Thank God for the gift of the song. Over and over again, rejoice in the gift of the song, because the song begins and ends with God. In the beginning, he wrote the melody. Through his Son, he retrieved the melody from the depths of the deepest grave. And through the power of his Holy Spirit, his melody still sings through flesh—through you and me. What a gift! What privilege! What renewal is ours because of the song!

Being a survivor isn’t about defeating the cancer. Being a survivor is about defeating the silence.

Are you willing to do the hard work of soul-survivorship? I pray so, because no one can sing God’s song through you better than you. I believe this with my whole heart, and by God’s very good grace, I’m endeavoring to live accordingly. Remembering, resisting, rehearsing, and rejoicing all the way home to heaven.

Peace. Everyone wants it. Few possess it. Peace isn’t a product for sale. Peace isn’t a feel good philosophy. Peace isn’t a place of escape. Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. Peace is a person, the very person of Jesus Christ. To know him is to know peace. Peace for the Journey is a collection of fifty-two meditations to deepen your intimacy with Jesus. Wherever the journey of life leads you and however your life unfolds, Jesus wants to be the abiding companion who walks alongside you.

Elaine Olsen is a speaker, Bible study leader, writer, and cancer survivor. She resides in North Carolina with her husband and four children. Her second book, Beyond Cancer’s Scars: Laying Claim to a Stronger Spirit, will be released this summer. To learn more about Elaine and her writing/speaking ministry, visit www.peaceforthejourney.com.

mantle zones, purpose and don’t waste your cancer!

As soon as I was diagnosed with cancer, I knew I never wanted to waste this experience.

Dr. Greg grabbed some paper and began drawing a diagram of what mantle cell lymphoma is and what it looks like.  His explanation was a “foreign” language as he went on describing how there are mantle zones that surround our cells and “blah, blah, blah” and mine were cancerous.  The drawings were helpful but regardless, my mind had been shot with a stun gun and I was stuck at stage IV cancer and it was called mantle cell lymphoma, a rare cancer and there is no cure.

But even in that paralyzing moment, my core stood fast in believing there was purpose in my cancer diagnose and purpose in all of this confusing information.  The first test of purpose was my trust in God and could I, would I explicitly trust Him?  My belief is God is sovereign and He is purposeful and trusting in who He says He is, PURPOSE became my foundation.  Little did I realize the great deep and dimensional growth I was about to experience – those drawings and mantle zones have not been wasted but were building blocks to a richer and more meaningful relationship as my faith was tested and God showed Himself true.

Yesterday I was challenged with how far am I willing to go in continuing to remain involved in the cancer community which really is a world all in itself.  Truly, I do not lightly follow the cancer blogs listed on my right side bar.  I am invested in their journeys, both good news and bad.  When the author doesn’t write an update after weeks from their last post, I wonder what has happened.  Since following these blogs some authors were told by their medical team there is nothing more they can do and to go home, hospice is available when they are ready and that is the last I read of them.  I am sad and I feel a sense of loss.

Weekly I hear of another person being diagnosed with cancer and I am sad that they and their loved ones are now traveling this bumpy road.  This road includes a calendar filled with appointments; the onslaught of information and new terms and words never heard before; tests, tests, tests; awkward conversations with friends; finding the right doctor; where to be treated; second opinions; distancing friendships and new friendships; tears and more tears and decisions that feel uneducated and second guessed.  I feel and empathize with their loss as they leave their familiar and controlled world behind and walk into this fast paced, anxiety-ridden, not knowing what is going to happen next world, a world that is out of their control.

Why do I remain in this often depressing sphere?  I don’t need to do this.  I can get out now, I am cancer free and I feel great.  I can leave this miserable and often fatal world and get on with my life as a cancer free person forgetting what is behind me and look forward to what is ahead.

Yesterday I asked a question, is there a purpose for why I remain connected to and involved in this realm?  Has God purposed me here?  Do I have a role and a place even as a cancer free survivor?  I don’t want to waste my cancer.

This Tuesday night, May 22nd, is the introductory meeting of F.A.I.T.H., Firm Anchor In The Hope, the first in this valley Christian cancer support group.  The idea for a Biblically-based cancer support fellowship simmered for nearly three years.  My friend Joyce, who is a breast cancer survivor and lost her sister to breast cancer, and I have talked about this need for a setting to discuss the spiritual side to cancer supported by the hope and encouragement in Jesus Christ and through the promise and comfort of Scripture.  Through the culmination of separate events in our  lives, we feel this support premise is needed more than ever before and now is the time to offer such a group.

I don’t want to waste my cancer and neither does Joyce.

In John Piper’s article, Don’t Waste Your Cancer, he states ten challenges.  When I first read this article at the start of my cancer journey, a few points were convicting and even offended me.  But in maturing through my experience, there is truth within each point.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
5. You will waste your cancer if you think that “beating” cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection
8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Two points boldly stand out: You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope and You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

Yesterday I was challenged.  Am I willing to continue to walk in this world alongside those who are presently coping with cancer?  Am I willing to empathize and feel heart ache when the news is negative or terminal?  Am I willing to feel loss?

Yes.  The Bible pictures our eternal hope secure in God’s unchanging nature and promise as an anchor “for the soul, firm and secure.”  (Heb.  6:19)  I believe God’s purpose for me is to share there is  hope in cancer found in the truth and glory of Christ.