Can I pray for you? Walking the tightrope

Life is tenuous and unpredictable.  We have our expectations in how our life should evolve and see ourselves growing older into the twilight years.  But I am in a world where that expectation is no longer.

Life and longevity is like walking a tightrope; the name of this tightrope, or highwire for some, is called cancer and one must walk across as in a dance.  My friends are not carrying the balancing tool either but are walking “freehand” using only one’s body to maintain this feat of balance.  It is definitely mind over reality; a determination to take the next step hoping not to fall and you must not look at the ground nor look at the final destination but walk straight ahead by faith in believing you will get across.

I went to my cancer support group last night.  I came  home discouraged and sad, I learned another fellow sister in the fight relapsed with breast cancer but this time it is in her stomach and possibly bones.  I sat across the table from four women who are in recurrence; I sat across from four brave and courageous women, three who are in treatment in hopes of defeating this beast and one who has resigned and decided quality of life outweighs the alternative, another go at chemotherapy.  I sat at a table with four in recurrence, two who are not and one was told by her oncologist her cancer will come back, it is a matter of time.

I wrote about this before and I write it again, I can walk away (or run away) from this cancer world, I am well.  But I am choosing to remain in it because maybe in some way I can be of service to another.  Little did I know this choice would involve me with friends and acquaintances who have died and may die.  I wasn’t equipped for this but I say “yes” to God in hopes that He can use me somehow and in some way.  I feel inadequate for this task; one, in that I can not empathize with the emotions of relapse and two, I don’t know what it is like to be that much closer to death.  But in my weakness God will use me for his purpose and I know there is one thing I can offer all the time.

“Can I pray for you?”  Prayer.

I sat across the table from my sister who chose to not continue any more treatment.  She doesn’t come right out and say this, but she knows she is dying.  She shared with the group that her days consist of sitting in her lounge chair and either watching t.v. or sleeping or sometimes reading and she said praying is a part of her day, too.  I didn’t know she prayed.  I am glad she prays.

What is prayer?  Prayer is different from meditation, meditation is quieting yourself and focusing in on something.  Prayer is talking to God; prayer is admitting there is a God and he listens to you.  Prayer is hoping and prayer is peace provoking.  Prayer is asking for help or hope or peace and comfort.  Prayer is powerful, too, especially when you ask others to pray for you.  Praying is an action of submitting to some one greater than yourself and believing or having faith that God hears you and that he cares for and about you.  Prayer is not a sign of weakness but of a spiritual strength  and it is from that platform that I ask, “Can I pray for you?”

I am watching my friends walk the tightrope and one is on the highwire.  I stand below them encouraging them along in this daunting task of placing one foot in front of the next without looking down.  I gasp when they wobble and from the ground I shout, “Come on! Come on!  Focus.  One more step!”  On this walk across the wire my friends have nothing to hold on to but determination in persevering and a hope found in prayer.

The cancer world I live in is a heart ache.  I can’t run from this!  I need to come along those who are aching and I need to, no I must!, without hesitancy ask them, “Can I pray for you?”

And the woman across the table looked straight into my eyes and said, “Pray for me.”

image: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tightrope_walking

A time of evaluation and reflection . . .

I started writing this blog in January of this year.  As of this post, I am nearing 4,000 visitors to “The Voice: a Christian cancer blog.”  The sole objective and goal for my blogging and information links is to bring hope to a fellow cancer survivor.  It has always been my prayer that my cancer story may encourage, bring a peace and perspective and relief to a fellow patient/survivor.  As patients/survivors, sometimes we may feel quite alone and as if no one  understands.  May “The Voice” be your link to your relief that someone has experienced what you are going through and in your loneliness you learn you really are “normal” and not crazy.  How do I know this?  Because I felt alone, not normal and I felt “crazy” for feeling the way I did, especially after being told I am cancer free.

It is my pleasure to link other Christian cancer blogs from “The Voice.”  All of our stories are important; all of our cancers are different and through our stories and our cancers something can be gleaned.  In reading all of the blogs, I am amazed and awestruck by each and every one.  I think overall their stories are greater and more challenging than my story; some of these folks have been through so much and their cancer story isn’t over yet – and it may never be.

Recently, I wondered if I should I keep all the blog links.  Out of the links listed, five blogs are stories of relapse and treatment and for many, the treatment isn’t working and the cancer is spreading to other areas of their bodies.  And, sadly, a sixth blog, the author recently passed away.   You see, I want “The Voice” to be a blog of hope and encouragement, is sharing this kind of information encouraging to the newly diagnosed patient?

All of my blog links are written by Christians.  Their perspective and tenacity to endure and yet remain the utmost positive is anchored in the hope and promise of their faith in Jesus Christ; their faith helps them to not waver in the most despairing of news.  I read their blogs and I think can it get any worse and it does get worse; I don’t know how they continue to “do it.”  But I don’t read despondency and hopelessness in their posts, they continue to optimistically live the next day, month, year desiring that their suffering will honor God and help another in similar circumstances.  This only stimulates my thinking and challenges me to hope that I could do no less if my news should not be “good news”.

In briefly updating you, my readers, about my fellow bloggers I am delighted to share with you my wee friend, emilyannlove, completed her high dose methotrexate.  Little Emily did not have the response the doctors were wanting her to achieve on her first round of chemotherapy to combat childhood leukemia so they treated her with a chemo that is prescribed for adults.  She soared through with little to no complications.  Auntie Plum wrote, “Once again, she cleared the drug from her system in record time! The round of chemotherapy we were all the most worried about has turned out to be a bit of a breather.”  I join the Love family in thanking God for His goodness all through Emily’s treatment.

color with me!

I am happy to bring the good news of  two other fellow bloggers, Tamara,  “Our Journey”, and Paul, “Thrilled to Death”, are doing very well.  Tamara is post 100 days from her allogeneic stem cell transplant.  In her recovery she writes, “My first days at home alone scream the reality of my new normal.  Quiet.  Restful.  This is what is necessary and prescribed as I continue the healing process.  It’s just so different from my old normal.”  Finding our new normal is one of the many “adjustments” we make after having cancer.  I hope her transition is peaceful.

Paul has had some rather interesting experiences in his post treatment recovery.  Chemotherapy affects all of our body and it effects our approach to life in a new and appreciative way, and sometimes, in unexpected ways.  Paul says, “I suppose that while I’m experiencing things I’ve barely heard of (like leukemia) or never heard of (like Graft-vs-Host Disease), I might as well just run the gamut of life adventures.”  I do not know Paul personally but from my personal post treatment recovery I experienced two completely out of the blue fits of rage.  Never in my life have I expressed rage but I found myself physically acting out this anger that I believe resulted from being blind-sided by cancer.  I wrote about my account of my first rage on my CaringBridge site, May 5, 2009.  Thank God I haven’t had that kind of anger since those two episodes!

Then there are the stories from my fellow bloggers that might seem discouraging but when read, are really very awe-inspiring and hopeful as they share their continuing saga with advancing cancer.  Please, if you are looking for a perspective in how to live with a life challenge, whether it be a trying circumstance, chronic illness, cancer or anything of that sort, then prayerfully read the following blogs.  They make me shake my head in admiration for their approach and acceptance to their advancing disease and prognosis.  I thought that in keeping these links new patients might become discouraged but now I don’t believe that is true.  The following blogs should uplift us and give us the hope that, we, too, as Christian sojourners, can claim hold of the promises of Scripture.

Kelly, “Praise You In This Storm”, who has battled breast cancer for nearly three years, and a mother of young children, continues to write about her fight (and believe me, it is a fight) against her cancer.  She writes candidly and transparently on the difficulties of “doing this” for three years.

Pastor Bob Jennings, “Bob Jennings Journal”, writes, “I am not yet healed of the radiation burn on the duodenum.  But I have no doubt that I’d be dead if it were not for the cyber-knife which terminated the mother tumor on the pancreas.”  And he always ends his post with a meditation from scripture.  Pastor Jennings so inspired me that I wrote the following post about him, “I lived my life for you, Lord . .”

(Note: This morning, 08/26/12, Pastor Jennings posted.  “Eternity:  It is strange to look into a man’s eyes, knowing I’ll likely not see him again until the Judgment Day.  It is strange, so terribly ironic and real that because of Christ I was ultimately in an infinitely better way than he was.  If it is well with the soul, it will be well with the body in the end.  And there is an end here.  The world will end.  Christ will judge.  Christ will reward.  Christ will get the long-awaited glory.  The resurrection, immortality, heaven, home, being with the Lord Jesus – this is it, this is all, this is crucial.  I’m very thankful to be redeemed by faith in His precious blood, His death for me.  My sincere love to you all!  It is time to go to sleep.  Bob”  The doctor shared with Pastor Jennings it is a matter of weeks now.  Please, let us pray for Bob and his family as he waits for eternity.)

I continue to greatly admire and look forward to every post from Mike Fechner, the “Chemo Church” pastor.  In his blog, “Restoring Hope for a Better Tomorrow”, Mike writes about his progressing lung cancer but more than his cancer, his heart and prayerful plea is the message of Christ’s gospel, the good news of salvation for everyone everywhere, in the hospital or on the street.  If I lived by Mike I would ask him to “teach” me how to do Chemo Church, but I believe, in reading his blog, he would tell me I have all I need to know right now, just go do it!  “I can tell you from personal experience that “impossible odds” are nothing more than God’s opportunities to demonstrate His power through the most unlikely people in the most unusual circumstances. The problem is, we’ll miss out if we remain in a spiritual slumber.”  That is Mike’s attitude; God’s opportunities first, cancer second.  Amazing.

When some time  has passed since Joe and Heidi’s last blog entry, I wonder if they are doing okay.  In “When You Both Have Cancer”, the story of this couple humbles me.  I can’t even begin to fathom their shared life of cancer.  “August/September will be stressful.  This week we find out if Heidi’s gamma knife procedure was successful on her brain tumors.  Next week I get checked for colon cancer and prostate cancer recurrence.  Next week Heidi starts a new chemotherapy.  A few weeks later I get checked for bladder cancer recurrence.”  There is nothing more I can add to this paragraph other than please lift these dear people in prayer. . .

My last blog, “My Unexpected Walk With Cancer”,  is the blog that the author has since passed away.  Jeff was diagnosed with a rare type of sarcoma cancer.  In reading his story, I was impressed by the aggressiveness of this cancer.  As each entry was written I read how more and more of the cancer took his body from him but through it all I read a steadfast faithfulness in his approach to his cancer and his walk  with Christ.  In April, Jeff wrote, “You see, it is one thing to understand that to die is gain, but another to embrace it and welcome it. I think most of us are much more interested in living in this body and performing fruitful labor. I don’t yet want to “go” more than “stay,” but it’s getting closer. I expect that God will help with that transition at the right time.”  And then there were no more updates until July 3rd when Jeff’s son, Matt, notified us that his dad had passed on May 7, 2012.

So I wondered, do I keep Jeff’s blog link on my blog?  Will this be discouraging or encouraging?  But in reading Jeff’s last entry, which his son posted, I thought we must all read this!  This is Jeff’s account on the HOPE of HEAVEN.  And, indeed, one day I will meet Jeff in eternal glory!  I know Jeff and his son, Matt, would be honored if you took the time to read Jeff’s words on the Hope of Heaven.

Lastly, I have a blogging friend, Elaine, “Peace for the Journey”.  I have not had the privilege of meeting  her face to face but I know her because her expression through writing makes me feel like I am sitting right across the table from her as we sip hot tea or coffee and share our cancer stories.  Elaine is an author – and she is a survivor.  Elaine recently released a book, “Beyond Cancer’s Scars: Laying Claim to a Stronger Spirit”.  (click here for more information)

I intend to buy this book and use it as a tool for our Christian cancer support group.  Elaine writes purposefully and thoughtfully; I know our minds will be stimulated as we read her book and use the facilitator’s guide as a springboard for discussion.

This is a long post; I have written it and rewritten it in my head numerous times.  I questioned the “positivity” factor of each blog.  We, as an American society, want to hear only positive, uplifting good news.  This is not realistic and I believe we will learn more, become stronger people and a more grateful people by reading others’ stories, whether good or bad.  And what or who defines good or bad?  In God’s kingdom everything is for His glory and used to His glory, both good and bad.  So that leaves me with the question, is there truly “bad news” in God’s kingdom purpose and reign?

To the preserving of His glorious Name,

summer hike, East Glacier, Montana

Cyndi

end note:  I just added two new blogs to my list.  “My Lymphoma Journey” by Jim Davis diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins T-cell lymphoma and “My Adventures with Mantle Cell Lymphoma” by Rich Franco.

Rediscovering your song . . . by Elaine Olsen

As promised, I am pleased to introduce an author and fellow blogger I admire.  Elaine is a breast cancer survivor.  She was an author before cancer, she was an author through cancer and today her writings are more passionate and poignant because of cancer; I am drawn into her world of words.  Enjoy this encouraging and heartfelt “song” and if you are longing to read more well written, thoughtful pieces, please visit her blog, “Peace for the Journey“.

Rediscovering Your Song…

Being a survivor isn’t about defeating the cancer. Being a survivor is about defeating the silence.

That’s what I told a group of cancer survivors last Sunday night at a Relay for Life banquet. It’s what I’ve come to believe. To survive cancer is to survive the silence—the deafening quiet that creeps in alongside suffering in hopes of suffocating the song that once sang its melody so gracefully, so faithfully, so willingly, so naturally.

There is a great price that often accompanies a great suffering. That price? A great silence. A time when the previous witness and words of a great faith are stifled by the traumatic strain of simply staying alive. Singing isn’t a priority when suffering steps to the front of the line. The song often gets buried, cast aside and forgotten, to simmer beneath the weightiness of pain and of what once was.

But here is the truth of the eternal song. Once the music has made its way into a heart, no amount of throwing and crying and denying its pulse can keep it buried forever. We can go to the grave refusing it a voice, but in the end, the music remains. It will find its chorus, even without our participation, because the King’s music is meant to be sung (“peace for the journey: in the pleasure of his company,” 2010, pg. 7).

Some songs don’t die. Some songs are just that strong, certain, truthful, and demanding. Some songs, God’s song, your song and my song, are still singing. Maybe you haven’t heard it in a long time; maybe, like me, it’s been buried beneath a season of grief and suffering. I want to encourage you today to not give up on the reality of the music that’s hiding deep within your heart. The melody remains, and whether or not you’ve been victimized by cancer or by another soul-eating something, you can know that your survivorship isn’t solely dependent on a pill or a program or the best resources available to you by doctors. The best of all of these remedies will only carry you so far in the process of healing. In fact, none of these may help you as it pertains to defeating your cancer.

But if you can defeat the silence that surrounds your cancer? If you can dig deeply to retrieve the melody that once sang so beautifully through your lips? Well, then you’ll have survived your disease in a way that yields eternal value. For our pain to matter, our pain needs a voice that is surrendered to the process of renewal. It’s a slow process that walks its own timetable. Silence doesn’t turn into song over night. But over night, a step in the right direction will yield a few notes… one or two or ten at first. One verse building on another until the music makes a melody that takes what once was and sings it more gracefully, more faithfully, more willingly, and more naturally. Almost as if that’s what God had in mind all along—a better song, refined and renewed through suffering.

To get there? Well, I don’t have the perfect strategy for curing your silence, but I have a few thoughts about how you might begin the process of rediscovering your song.

Remember. Take time to review the melody of your yesterdays—the days before your suffering began. Remember your voice, your faith, your hope. Reflect on the beauty that once was. Write it down, retrieve those memories, and linger upon them long enough until the refrain finds its way to your lips. And then, with that old song fresh in your memory…

Resist thinking that your old song was your best song. Refuse the enemy’s lie that the best has already been. Your best song is your next song—the one tempered and refined by the trials of life. God can and does write new notes into your musical score, not in an attempt to cover up the old ones, but rather to enhance them. To energize them. To fully empower them with the truth of his Spirit so that when you sing, you sing with understanding and with the certainty that all has not been lost in the suffering. God has been gained in the midst of great peril, and you have lived another day to sing the witness of his grace. And then, once you’ve made it past your remembering and your resisting, by God’s grace and with his permission,…

Rehearse. Start practicing your new song. A few notes today; a few more tomorrow, until you get the melody down, until it starts sounding familiar. Sing to yourself. Sing to your kids. Sing to your spouse. Sing to your friends. Sing to the mirror. Sing to God. Don’t worry about your voice. You’ll probably warble at first, crack your voice a time or two and turn a few heads in the process. Who cares? Songs of faith aren’t written to shame you. Songs of faith are written to reframe you. It doesn’t matter your performance with the melody. What matters is your willingness to try—to be so bold as to believe that you were meant to sing and that nobody, not one single person, can sing your new song as beautifully as you can. And finally, if you’ve made it this far with your remembering, resisting, and rehearsing, then…

Rejoice. Thank God for the gift of the song. Thank God for the gift of the song. Thank God for the gift of the song. Over and over again, rejoice in the gift of the song, because the song begins and ends with God. In the beginning, he wrote the melody. Through his Son, he retrieved the melody from the depths of the deepest grave. And through the power of his Holy Spirit, his melody still sings through flesh—through you and me. What a gift! What privilege! What renewal is ours because of the song!

Being a survivor isn’t about defeating the cancer. Being a survivor is about defeating the silence.

Are you willing to do the hard work of soul-survivorship? I pray so, because no one can sing God’s song through you better than you. I believe this with my whole heart, and by God’s very good grace, I’m endeavoring to live accordingly. Remembering, resisting, rehearsing, and rejoicing all the way home to heaven.

Peace. Everyone wants it. Few possess it. Peace isn’t a product for sale. Peace isn’t a feel good philosophy. Peace isn’t a place of escape. Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. Peace is a person, the very person of Jesus Christ. To know him is to know peace. Peace for the Journey is a collection of fifty-two meditations to deepen your intimacy with Jesus. Wherever the journey of life leads you and however your life unfolds, Jesus wants to be the abiding companion who walks alongside you.

Elaine Olsen is a speaker, Bible study leader, writer, and cancer survivor. She resides in North Carolina with her husband and four children. Her second book, Beyond Cancer’s Scars: Laying Claim to a Stronger Spirit, will be released this summer. To learn more about Elaine and her writing/speaking ministry, visit www.peaceforthejourney.com.